3.7.09

okayy. before you start reading.. this may turn
out to be pretty depressing loll =)
but you know. there's always a silver lining.

i havent blogged in a while.
im actually pretty busy. i guess i've half enjoyed it
all these distractions have .. distracted 0-o me from..
what has been happening around me.
i mean, not as in politically around me.
more like.. my emotions and what not.

a few blogs ago hahaha blogs ago..
0-o
yeahh anywayy..
before, a while back, i was getting more confident,
more sure of myself.
it always seems that everytime you get back up on your feet..
everything seems to crash right down again.
i used to forget about all the things i didnt have,
and concentrate on the things that i did have.
it was all good.
until things started happening.

it wasnt anything that you would notice..
it was the things that I notice.
i know if i wrote it down here,
you would be thinking, ahh thats not that bad,
you'll live. but thats what i thought at first.
it was like.. people we unconciously and continuously
reminding me of all the things that had made me feel like poo.
they didnt realise, i didnt realise, well..
i did. but i thought that if i just ignored it,
and moved on.. it'll all be alright again.
i was alright for a while.. but i guess..
it all just built up and it was too much to deny.

if i had the perfect life.. it would be too boring.
but the life i have now is so hard.
i know i can live through it with God.
and i wont give in.

when they showed the girl that commited suicide in motivational media..
i thought of myself.
but then i was like..
NO. I DONT HAVE DEPRESSION! =(
im fine.
i have God.
and he's protecting me.
i have no reason to be depressed.
i have the most lovely family! most of the time..
i have supportive friends.
but.. when i try to discuss it with people..
i guess.. they dont take what im saying right,
or i cant explain it..
or.. they think im joking,
or they make a joke of it.

i wish i had someone to tkae me seriously,
and help me through it.
i know im not depressed.
im just going through a stage.
i know there is God.
and im waiting for his reply.
tonight, when i sleep.
all i'll think about is God.
and how much he loves me.
just to know that God loves me is amazing.
someone so big and so powerful
he cares about me.
this... person that thinks she's not much
he thinks she's everything.

the thing is..
i know all the facts.
i know that im not the ugliest person
i know that im not the dumbest.
i know that people love me
i know that im worth something.
yet. when i think about people that i hardly know
and how i think they see me
its like.. iono.
i just want someone that i hardly know to see me as something special.
i know its never going to be like in the movies.
i guess my standards are too high.
but.. theres always that little thing that you hope for.

Thankyou God.
Thankyou for your love.
thankyou that you gave me so many people that love me.
thankyou for my life.
thankyou for my health.
thankyou for you.
I love you.
forever.




xo.