10.9.09

okay. i know its been a while.
i just havent bothered.
but now, it seems like since i stopped, so much stuff has built up haha.
its like. i wanna tell someone, but.. i dont wanna put all my poo on other people.
so. i'll share it here i guess.
ill let you know whats up, so that you can skip all the stuff that seems boring to you haha.
1 - guys. confusing. full stop.
2 - friends. nothing bad, just like. confused.
3 - school. why? D:
bah. normal stuff. different situation.

1 - guys. yes. this IS for girls derr. =) but like. you gotta admit, guys are soooo confusing. no matter what people say, guys never know what they're doing. To all of you that dont know, yes. i do like someone LOLL. he was really nice, ugly.. but nice haha =) its just.. so many things have happened. and i thought it was all good. wait. lemme start from the beginning.. so all of you out there dont die trying to figure this out. We were in the same team sports, and i guess.. i just fell for him. stupid me. We got along heaps good. and at the beginning of this term, he told my friend that he liked me. But the thing is.. we no longer had team sports. That could have been another reason why things happened. But.. iono. anywayy, so i was like.. what would i do? like.. i'm so.. new.. to this, and nothing has even happened yet. what is wrong with me? Im guessing he doesnt know that i know he likes me. But i know he knows i like him.

Just, the past few.. okay two weeks he's been full avoiding me. It may be because he starts exams TOMORROWW!! or.. not. but it seems like there's a pretty good reason that he's trying to avoid me. But seriously, if it was exams.. why go through alll that trouble to cut me out of his life? Am i really that weird? haha xD but still.. its sorta discouraging. And yes, im getting over him.. but i know im not getting over the fact that he is sooo determined to block me out. I have a problem with things i dont know about. haha xD still.. WHY?

2 - yes. friends. They're good, they're bad. they strangle you and take all your change. but no matter what, you know that you're never going to leave them, you're always going to be there for them, whatever happens. You love them. And i do, honestly, not until late last year, i treated friends like people you could mess around with.. but then all this stuff started happening. I mean, yeahh i've done some damn stupid things, and im sorry. But, it helped me grow.. and all these things that have happened helped me realise how much i really value everyone around me.

So i know this person right, she pretty much hates herself. All you who know her, you have to agree with me. I try sooo hard to help her up on her feet.. i encourage her sooo much, and i tell her about all the wonderful things in her life. Yet, she takes no notice. She denies all the positive good things in her life, and she says all this false, negative things about herself. Its discouraging to her and me, to her because she's putting herself down, and its been going on for sooo long, that she's dug herself into the deepest hole ive ever seen. Its also discouraging for me, because i try so hard, yet.. she's still stuck. So i feel that i can't be of any help. But i never seem to give up.. iono. like.. i know.. i have stopped telling her she's not fat, she's not ugly.. but she knows that i know that. and she denies it. why keep trying? It's just so fustrating. But.. i have to keep goingg. I have to help her up.. she's one of my best friends.. and i know.. i just. i actually want to see her.. open up to people.. and be more confident about herself. She just pushes me away everytime.

To me.. its like she wants to stay in that place of .. depression.. so she can get attention. I've told her, and she denies it. She just.. genuinly thinks shes nothing. WHY? ><

3 - schooooooooooooollllllll.. arghh. stress. I mean, not as much as the first two, of course =) gladly, schools veryy fun. I know it might seem strange, but lately ive had cravings to do science and maths and boring essays. I guess it takes me away from all the social aspects of life. The thing is.. i dont have much of that anymore.. its all passed.. so im stuck thinking about everything in my spare time. LOLL. I have this textiles thing due next week, and im pretty much screwed. My commerce assignment is due tomorrow, and i have no idea what im going to do. I think i just need to step it up. But i need to get motivated. bahh. I just need.. everything to work out..why is school like this? WHYY?


It seems as if, when everything is going well, when everything seems to be like im having the best time of my life, no worries no nothing, everything comes at once. Right at the moment when im just calming down from all the previous things that have been happening, BAMM here comes another 10000 cases of drama. It's not so much about me this time though, which.. is a good thing as well as a bad thing. It's a good thing, because.. i dont feel bad about myself.. but still.. people around me are like.. iono.. its like i feel for them, because i guess.. they matter to me. I think.. the world just needs to stop for a day, so we can all think our lives through, and sort everything out. But.. thats not how things work, people that seem like the happiest of people suicide, even though they have everything to live for. They all just needed a day to sort things out, a day where everyone was there to hear what they have to say, a day for them so scream as loud as they want.. for someone to actually want to listen. They dont need advice, they dont need someone telling them what to do.. they just need to verbally express to someone how they're feeling. Its that release.. that release of stress.. and worry.. that releases them from themselves.

I guess.. they have psychiatrists for that. Maybe i'll become one.. to help people.. iono. maybe not. Im a bit impatient =) This is was God is for. God is love. God is comfort. God is my everything. Even though i have no idea how everything is going to turn out. I know my life is in God's hands. My trust is in you Jesus. =)




xo.

30.7.09

haha i thought it was way longer since i last posted.
turns out its only been a week =)

sooo.. last few days of holidays were pretty damn fustratingg.
i was waiting.. anticipating the moment we arrived at school
screaming with happiness that we could go back to seeing all
our friends everyday of the week. [cept.. saturday and sunday =D]
but.. i was also missing someone hahaha.
this sounds so.. corny xD
hahahaha.
anywayyyyy.
yeahh

its the third day of school
and im pretty happy with what i've been doing at school in term 3 =)
its sarted out pretty awesomee.
im kinda worried bout my commerce class though.
im in year 9 and im doing a yer 10 course... and so far, i have
no idea who's in that class.
but.. i can make friends =)

thursdays are always fun =)
and i guess i was lucky that we got two more weeks of team sports
hahaha. i find it esp. fun =) some people know why xD
ahahhaa.
NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE KNOW 0-O
unless some meany poo has spread the news.
hahaha. but yeahh.

LAPTOPS IN WEEK 3 =D
im soooo excitedd =)
hahaha they're free!
i mean, they're obviously not the best, but.. free.
freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
hahaha. and photoshop and stuff as well.
i have to get used to using photoshop.
hmm.

well.
i cbs to write anymoreeeeeeeee.
blaaaaaa. =)
hahaha. weeeoowwww..

Life is good =)
God is good =D




xo.

23.7.09

woah. dude has it been long
i gotta post a blog hahahahaha.

sorry havent been on in a while.
just.. so much stuff has been going on.
EVEN IF ITS THE HOLIDAYSSSSSS.
i mean. its fun
but so much stress
hahahahahah xD

boys, friends, you know. all that type of teenager stuff xD
i think i said that in my last post.
..

hahah anywayyy
i know, that i will come through =D
im trying not to play rough HAHAH.
if that makes any sense.
just trying to avoid worst case senarios.
stuff ive heard. stuff ive experienced.
it'll all be alright =D

waiting. for school
next term is gonna be so big =D
like.. we got..
FREE LAPTOPS =D
and..
more school
new subjectsss =D
hopefully with my friends hahahahaha.
im excited thoughh =D

gotta get back on a roll hahahaha.
cant wait. =)
gonna be good..

to those who care.
to those who i have disappointed.
im sorry. but this is not reason to spread things about me
which would have applied to me maybe last year.
things change. people change.
i guess we dont all realise that.

in our school, and in our circle of friends..
things spread. ruining someone's reputation.
i mean, i dont care. but i do care about what people, and my friends, see me as.
how they see me as a person. coz like.. i see people as i think i should judge them.
not how other people tell me to =D

ANYWAYY.
onn with life..
hahahah xD
EXCITEDDDDD.
=D

God is good.
life is good.
God is awesome =D
he loves me =)






xo.

3.7.09

..sorry =)
yeahh uhmm this is a more.. normal post.
hopefully =)

i just needed to get all that stuff outta my system
you know how i made that resolution about being more confident?
it worked.
then it didnt.
im still aiming for it.
once i got all that stuff out.
it was like..
WOAH.
THANKS GOD =)
feel much better.

although i know that once i relise how much freeking homework i have..
hahahahah =)
its gnna distract me from my personal life again.
i think thats what happened.
i got so caught up in school work
and i was in the middle of getting better.
i just.. lost it.
ill make it =)

so much hormonal stuff as well
i mean .. 0-o
iono hahahahahaha.
crushes and whatnot.
its stupid.
but yeahh =)
as chrystal says.
you cant help it.
i know ill get over it hahaha =)
pretty much impossible.
but.
yes.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
=)
ill try not to hide all my sadness.
but then again you dont want to depress everyone around you yeahh?
ahhahahhaha.

God is good =)

3.7.09

okayy. before you start reading.. this may turn
out to be pretty depressing loll =)
but you know. there's always a silver lining.

i havent blogged in a while.
im actually pretty busy. i guess i've half enjoyed it
all these distractions have .. distracted 0-o me from..
what has been happening around me.
i mean, not as in politically around me.
more like.. my emotions and what not.

a few blogs ago hahaha blogs ago..
0-o
yeahh anywayy..
before, a while back, i was getting more confident,
more sure of myself.
it always seems that everytime you get back up on your feet..
everything seems to crash right down again.
i used to forget about all the things i didnt have,
and concentrate on the things that i did have.
it was all good.
until things started happening.

it wasnt anything that you would notice..
it was the things that I notice.
i know if i wrote it down here,
you would be thinking, ahh thats not that bad,
you'll live. but thats what i thought at first.
it was like.. people we unconciously and continuously
reminding me of all the things that had made me feel like poo.
they didnt realise, i didnt realise, well..
i did. but i thought that if i just ignored it,
and moved on.. it'll all be alright again.
i was alright for a while.. but i guess..
it all just built up and it was too much to deny.

if i had the perfect life.. it would be too boring.
but the life i have now is so hard.
i know i can live through it with God.
and i wont give in.

when they showed the girl that commited suicide in motivational media..
i thought of myself.
but then i was like..
NO. I DONT HAVE DEPRESSION! =(
im fine.
i have God.
and he's protecting me.
i have no reason to be depressed.
i have the most lovely family! most of the time..
i have supportive friends.
but.. when i try to discuss it with people..
i guess.. they dont take what im saying right,
or i cant explain it..
or.. they think im joking,
or they make a joke of it.

i wish i had someone to tkae me seriously,
and help me through it.
i know im not depressed.
im just going through a stage.
i know there is God.
and im waiting for his reply.
tonight, when i sleep.
all i'll think about is God.
and how much he loves me.
just to know that God loves me is amazing.
someone so big and so powerful
he cares about me.
this... person that thinks she's not much
he thinks she's everything.

the thing is..
i know all the facts.
i know that im not the ugliest person
i know that im not the dumbest.
i know that people love me
i know that im worth something.
yet. when i think about people that i hardly know
and how i think they see me
its like.. iono.
i just want someone that i hardly know to see me as something special.
i know its never going to be like in the movies.
i guess my standards are too high.
but.. theres always that little thing that you hope for.

Thankyou God.
Thankyou for your love.
thankyou that you gave me so many people that love me.
thankyou for my life.
thankyou for my health.
thankyou for you.
I love you.
forever.




xo.